I actually learned something from a parenting magazine

It was a silly little poll in a silly little parenting magazine. Even the results were pretty predictable; 69% of readers said they'd like to be the child of a mom like them. Just another tidbit to fill the page -- the kind of thing you read and move on. But I didn't.

A year ago, I'm sure I would have answered yes to this question in a heartbeat. Of course I'd like a mom like me. I'm involved and interested and supportive and loving and yadda yadda yadda. But lately, as good as my intentions are, my actions don't always back them up. As Julia continues to test -- and try -- my patience, the rules get more arbitrary, the edge creeps into my voice more often, the punishments flow freely. I yell a lot these days. Much, much more than I want or need to.

I still think that I'm a good mom, and that despite my impatience, I'm doing the best I can to raise good people. But would I actually want to be parented this way? Probably not.

There are 2 issues at play here. I'm increasingly finding that I can't just be my kids' favorite companion all the time any more; there are times now when I need to be the authority figure and set some boundaries. That part's not fun, but I think it's important and I'm confident that I'm doing the right thing. The larger issue and the part that disturbs me is that I'm afraid I'm not making the transition from friend to disciplinarian as gracefully as I could. I'm still rattled by having to be the bad guy. And when I'm rattled, I lose my composure. I snap. I yell. Not the stuff of fairy tale childhoods.

It can't all be fairy tale-like all the time, I know that. But I'm totally thrown by the realization that I wouldn't want to grow up in a house where people yelled as much as I've yelled lately. I keep telling myself that this limit testing stuff is a stage and she'll outgrow it soon. But I suspect that she's probably not the only one in this household who has a little growing up to do. Motherhood's not always going to be lazy afternoons spent giggling over books and tickle fights. Sometimes, I'm going to have to get tough. And if I want to do my job well, I need to learn to do that a lot more gracefully than I am right now. Easier said than done, I know. But the good news is, if I can figure it out, I suspect my daughter and I will both grow up to be nicer people as a result.