The things that will never make it in the baby books and other musings from a stay at home mom

Friday, June 03, 2005

A new way to spend your disposable income

I live in one of those yuppie (this is clearly an outdated term -- I wonder what it's been replaced with?) communities where people have a lot of money to burn on, well, everything. It's a marketer's dream area, and specialty stores and services seem to pop up here all the time. I got a flier in the mail today from a new place that's just opening, and I now think I've officially seen it all.

This place is offering a very valuable service that we all apparently need immediately. That service? Brain Respiration. Yes, you read that right. Brain Respiration.

The Grammar Bitch in me immediately dismissed the entire operation out of pocket. If people can't put together a well-edited flyer, they can't have my business, and unless they plan to get my actual cerebral cortex inhaling and exhaling, they obviously haven't named their service all that accurately, now have they? I did read the entire pamphlet just to make sure that I wasn't missing some very cool new advances in physiology that would enable body parts other than the lungs to breathe. According to their self help check-up quiz, I am greatly in need of Energy Training, as well as some kind of Aura Photo Reading. Then I need to do some Yoga and Meditation and perhaps attend the Dahn Healing School. But it was still unclear to me how any of this was going to get the air flowing through my brain (or why I would want it to).

I was on a mission now, so I turned to my good friend Google. Brain Respiration is apparently a real thing, though I use the term "real thing" pretty loosely here (it basically just means "a thing with a domain name of its' own," I suppose). It's all very exciting and will unlock my brain's natural potential. Except for one small problem. No actual respiration takes place in the brain (well, duh). And some may call me picky here, but it's awfully hard to believe in a brain-enhancing program created by people who weren't even smart enough to name their concept correctly.

For an astronomic fee, I could improve my concentration, memory, scholastic aptitude and stress management at this new facility. So can Julia; children as young as 3 are invited to awaken their brains' latent potential in weekly classes. I think we'll both pass. But I appreciate the fact that they sent me the flier. Investigating Brain Respiration kept my mind plenty sharp for the day, thank you very much.


At 4:27 PM, Blogger Kristy said...

It's a cult. For sure, it's a cult. And when you drop off the face of the Earth, we'll know just where to look.

Daddy's both hands, Brain Respiration, sheesh.

At 4:56 PM, Blogger Gretchen C. said...

Dude! That is too weird even for California; believe it or not, this is the first I've heard of this. And out the window flies my opinion that people back home are more grounded and more sensible than West Coasties. Criminey, how New Age hocus pocus can you get? Infinitely so, apparently. Even *sob* back home.

At 6:10 PM, Blogger DebiH said...

Wow, that is spooky. I didn't even know my brain was capable of that. :-) I'm an elementary school teacher with a minor in English, so I'll gladly sign on to the Grammar Bitch listserve. One of my local gas stations had a sign up that read, "Please Drive Slow." Man that bugged me! I wanted to take out a black marker and add an "ly" to the end of that sign, but I decided I didn't want to get arrested for defacing public property. But c'mon! Slow is an adjective, describing a thing... Drive is a verb and needs an adverb... There should be higher standards for public signage, don't you think? Okay, I feel better now. :-)


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