A new way to spend your disposable income

I live in one of those yuppie (this is clearly an outdated term -- I wonder what it's been replaced with?) communities where people have a lot of money to burn on, well, everything. It's a marketer's dream area, and specialty stores and services seem to pop up here all the time. I got a flier in the mail today from a new place that's just opening, and I now think I've officially seen it all.

This place is offering a very valuable service that we all apparently need immediately. That service? Brain Respiration. Yes, you read that right. Brain Respiration.

The Grammar Bitch in me immediately dismissed the entire operation out of pocket. If people can't put together a well-edited flyer, they can't have my business, and unless they plan to get my actual cerebral cortex inhaling and exhaling, they obviously haven't named their service all that accurately, now have they? I did read the entire pamphlet just to make sure that I wasn't missing some very cool new advances in physiology that would enable body parts other than the lungs to breathe. According to their self help check-up quiz, I am greatly in need of Energy Training, as well as some kind of Aura Photo Reading. Then I need to do some Yoga and Meditation and perhaps attend the Dahn Healing School. But it was still unclear to me how any of this was going to get the air flowing through my brain (or why I would want it to).

I was on a mission now, so I turned to my good friend Google. Brain Respiration is apparently a real thing, though I use the term "real thing" pretty loosely here (it basically just means "a thing with a domain name of its' own," I suppose). It's all very exciting and will unlock my brain's natural potential. Except for one small problem. No actual respiration takes place in the brain (well, duh). And some may call me picky here, but it's awfully hard to believe in a brain-enhancing program created by people who weren't even smart enough to name their concept correctly.

For an astronomic fee, I could improve my concentration, memory, scholastic aptitude and stress management at this new facility. So can Julia; children as young as 3 are invited to awaken their brains' latent potential in weekly classes. I think we'll both pass. But I appreciate the fact that they sent me the flier. Investigating Brain Respiration kept my mind plenty sharp for the day, thank you very much.